Friday, August 19, 2005

Silver Scream

Mainstream Hollywood filmmaking is doomed. Doomed, I tells ya!

Look, this is from Dateline: Hollywood (by the way, all italics and highlighting are mine):

“A study analyzing the year’s box office data has revealed that a glut of original ideas is to blame for the year’s sharp downturn in box office revenue. Never-before-seen concepts like The Island, Stealth, and Cinderella Man have been some of the summer’s biggest disappointments, while remakes, sequels, and adaptations like Dukes of Hazzard, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Fantastic Four are keeping the studios afloat. “This just goes to prove that the problem in Hollywood is too much originality,” said James D’arcy, president of Exhibition Analysis.”

By the Hoary Hosts of Hoggoth, both Hollywood studios AND filmgoers suck! Now, I’ll come clean and admit I liked both Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and even Fantastic Four, but, dammit, who the hell wants to see Dukes of Hazzard? A redneck carcrash of a movie based on a TV show that was absolutely terrible in its own right? Give me Smokey and the Bandit or the divine Cannonball Run over that anytime.

And Bewitched?? A film that can’t even stretch itself into actual remake territory, but nevertheless whips out its evil incancatations to unleash a volley of poisonous piss onto the grave of Elizabeth Montgomery. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous prospect of Steve Martin “doing” Peter Sellers in The Pink Panther.

And whilst I’m on a role, here’s another question. I can’t be the only person bored of the endless Stiller, Wilson, Vaughan, Ferrell fratpack comedies, can I? Granted, there have been some good ‘uns, but the trailers for Wedding Crashers made my skin crawl, and I got a similar queasiness from the 40-Year Old Virgin trailers. Tired, tired ideas, repackaged seasonally, just so you don’t feel like we’re watching reruns, when only the surface has changed, but the guts of it all is identical.

Pre-movie trailers these days are just an unending litany of snapshots of remake, sequel, based on a TV show, comic book, novel, adolescent wetdream…

And Christmas so far seems to hold only opulent baubles like Narnia, Harry Potter and King Kong…I have nothing against big, shiny things, and for all I know, some of these movies may be good…but can’t we have some NEW big, shiny things to play with for a change?

4 comments:

b alkingbollocks said...

Better possible reasons why they bombed:
STEALTH - rather silly premise; it's HAL 9000 with wings, so not hugely original anyway.
THE ISLAND - the trailers gave it all away. You've seen the autopsy; why pay for the stitch-up?
CINDERELLA MAN - rich lead throws phone at poor clerk; no-one wants to line a known diva-bully's pockets.

Blaming originality is akin to blaming good quality. That James guy's got his head up his D'Arcy.

b .s. said...

Very relieved to hear you liked F4!

Shh! Bert at Work said...

Are you sure Mr Parcy Darcy isn't being a tad ironic?

AKA said...

Positive.