Friday, April 01, 2005

I Pity the Fool

Reality television continues to float in the toilet bowl of broadcasting like an unflushable log of digital cack. Just announced this morning: Jamie’s Soup Kitchen.

Here’s the premise: Celebrity Chef Jamie Oliver is going to train 15 homeless people to become professional chefs in a new restaurant buried beneath the Waterloo Underpass. The six-part series will follow the chefs-in-training right up until the opening of the restaurant, tentatively slated for the end of the summer, with the name “Beggar’s Banquet”.

The first episode is already in the can, apparently, although shooting for the series is being severely hampered by the fact that there is a lot of tension between Oliver and his protégées. The youngest contestant, 17-year old Avril Tonto, consistently turned the air blue in the kitchen by referring to Oliver as a “patronising cunt”, telling him “Stop spitting everywhere when you talk, you mumbling fuck!”

Oliver, attempting to build on the success of his popular campaign to improve the quality of school dinners, has attempted to placate Avril by naming one of the dishes on the menu after her: cod and chips, with the cod batter lightly marinated in Special Brew Lager, to be called “Poisson D’Avril.”

Prime Minister Tony Blair also appears in the first episode, turning up to give words of encouragement to the chefs-to-be: “It really is terribly simple. If we don't act now, then we will go back to what has happened before and then of course the whole thing begins again.” The contestants stared at Blair slack-jawed in befuddlement, but that didn’t stop a couple of them asking him if he had any spare change.

The show is due to air on Channel 4 in about a month’s time.

3 comments:

AKA said...

By the way...April Fool.

B innerlady said...

You had me until "mumbling fuck".

A class effort, AKA. More soup for you!

Bert said...

Yeah OK I fell for it until the last paragraph.