Looking back through the foggy clouds of time, back to the days when I was but a young scrivener, writing blocky text with my blunted Staedtler HB pencil, I remember that, occasionally on a Monday morning at school, my teacher would say:
“Today, I want you to write about what you did this weekend.”
And we would all hunch over our battered exercise books and write recklessly and breathlessly with no regard for full-stops or paragraphs, sculpting huge chunks of words with the occasional interjection of “and then” to indicate the next minor occurrence in our brief lives, where everything was new and exciting: The episode of Doctor Who I had watched on Saturday evening. The park I had walked around with my family. The toys I played with. The smelly farts my brother had done. (I may have made this last one up.)
Sometimes we would clumsily attempt to inject a bit of emotion into it, with a sentence like “It was great” or “My ice cream was chocolate and I ate it all up and it was good.”
There is something to be said for the charming and artless recitation of events, chronicling moments without any real colour or detail. It’s honest and pure and isn’t subject to the distortions of personal opinion.
This is a roundabout way of saying that that’s exactly what I’m going to do now. Have at thee!
On Saturday morning I went to the shops and bought some things and then I went to have a Red Bull and read my book and then I went home to play with Buttercup and her Spider-Man toys and then Buttercup and Mrs. AKA went out for the rest of the day. And then I did some housework and some writing too and then I watched a couple of episodes of House and then I threw a pizza in the oven and then I opened my first beer and then I put some DVDs on. I watched The Beat That My Heart Skipped. It was good. And then I watched the movie of Miami Vice. It was not good.
And then I went to bed and I slept. It was great.
On Sunday morning I did more housework and then I sat and thought about what I should do for the rest of the day. Mrs. AKA and Buttercup had plans for the day so I thought I might just relax at home and then my mum called and said that loads of our family are going there and I should too. And then I travelled in the rain for two hours and I got there. I was wet. And then I watched twin babies crawl all over me like a big climbing frame as I tried to stop them from jumping on my mum’s old dog. He might eat them. Ha ha.
And then I thought about making the journey back home but it was late and raining and I felt lazy so I went out for a drink instead. And then I had some beer and then I had some Jägermeister and then I went back to my mum’s for the night and I went to bed. Now I am tired and it is only Monday. And that is what I did this weekend. The end.