I’ve been haunted by some freaky dreams recently. The kind of dreams that make me glad to wake up. I must be transgressing numerous Laws of Nature by having these dreams. I no longer feel safe in the early hours of my day, when the sun is beginning its gentle ascendance, the once-upon-a-time Magic Hour. It is now the time when the dark evil things start stirring in their cage, whipping their fleshy, spiked tails against the inside of my skull, carving deep wounds in my fragile brainmeat.
I had one the other week about a secret Don Johnson porn tape. Yes, the Don Johnson of Nash Bridges fame. (Calling him “the Don Johnson of Miami Vice fame” would somehow just make the whole thing sound so much worse…)
In the dream, it’s a bukkake video shoot. At the end of the shoot (and you have no idea how difficult it is not to allude to the ripe innuendo of the word “shoot”), a naked man walks backwards facing away from the camera. As he gets closer to the camera, he turns around. It’s the Don Johnson of Nash Bridges fame! With one hand he waves to the camera, winks, and flashes the smile that has made him the idol of millions! You can almost see his pearly-whites sparkle! With the other hand he is working hard to maintain his Hollywood Wood…
The smile disappears to be replaced with grim determination as he devotes all his attention to his flailing fist, and the battered flesh contained therein. Finally, he delivers his Celebrity Load, just in time for the closing credits and violent applause.
At this point, I wake up nervous, twitching, and stuffing a pillow in my mouth to muffle my screaming.
And don’t get me started on the dream I had last night about the Piss Demons. The demons that could only be killed by urinating directly onto them, dissolving and screeching in a steaming mass of flesh, like the Wicked Witch of the West melting, if the Land of Oz was an underground fetish club designed by George A. Romero.
There might be something seriously wrong with me.
Sometimes I think that there are things I shouldn’t really be sharing with you.