Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Confidence Tricks

Christ, Day 8 of the Great Job Hunt, and the cabin fever is starting to clamp down really, really hard. As much as I love home life, an unleavened diet of sitting hammering away at the laptop, rarely venturing further than the little shop on the corner is driving me slowly out of my fucking mind. If anybody I know out there is reading this, for crying out loud, drop me a line and invite me out for a drink or something, whilst I’m still capable of stringing a sentence together. I’d forgotten how quickly social skills erode and float away when you don’t often have the opportunity to communicate with other human beings.

I think I’m starting to drive Mrs. AKA insane with my grumpy, monosyllabic grunts as I pad around the house like a bear with a hangover, and I rarely change out of the clothes I’ve slept in before the night rolls around again. I bet I don’t look like the best husband in the world right now: no job, bad attitude, ripped sweatpants, and chronic bed head. What a catch!

Fed up of trying to find a new job. It’s thankless work. Throwing e-mails and application forms out into the world, never seeming to get any kind of response. Countless phone calls to recruitment agencies that don’t get returned, until I finally get hold of one of the fuckers, who tells me they’ll call me back in a minute. That minute never seems to come…

Trying to keep myself occupied with writing work. Weirdly, even though I’ve been at this writing malarkey for over five years now, I still get a strong dose of The Fear every time I stare at a blank screen for the first time. It’s always the same thought that bounces off my frontal lobe: “I can’t fucking do this”. Regardless of the fact that I’ve managed to do “this” many, many times before. I’ve started a film review a few times now, and abandoned it a sentence in every single time. Researching the ass out of another project at the same time, and with each sentence tap-tap-tapped onto the screen, my confidence grows and I remember that, yes, of course I can do this.

Fuck it. There are words to write. Time for me to dig deep again and find a little bit more hope.

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