Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Village People

Dickheads. Fuckwits. Morons. Assholes.

Call them what you will. I’ll call them Bigots and Homophobes. Sadly, these monosyllabic knuckle-draggers are my colleagues every single day of the working week.

I got asked if I was gay. Again. This seems to happen to me a lot these days.

They think I’m gay because I read The Guardian and not The Sun. I’m gay because I have no knowledge, understanding or interest in cars. I’m gay because I denounce Lad Mag Trash Weeklies Zoo and Nuts as both soft porn and shit.

Now I’m gay because I don’t care about football. I’ll explain:

“You watching the football tonight?”
“Nope.”
“Well, who do you want to win?”
“Don’t care.”
“Oh…Why?”
“I have absolutely no interest in football whatsoever.”
“What?? Are you gay?”

At this point, I walk away.

I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: the patently-false and insidious assertion that certain interests and pursuits are exclusively the purview of the heterosexual, or the vaguely amusing fact that my colleagues feel the need to promote their sexuality by roaring loudly about beer, birds and soccer.

For some reason, I keep flashing on the withering put-down Antonio Fargas fires off in Car Wash: “Honey, I'm more man than you'll ever be and more woman than you'll ever get.”

2 comments:

DJ Shovelpants said...

AKA,

We must be twins seperated at birth. I'm in the same league. I couldn't give two shits about football here in the States. Yeah, yeah, it's soccer there, I know. The point is, I could care less if all professional sports teams fucked off.

Shawn said...

I wish more Americans said 'fuckwit'... the world would be a better place.

I sort of get the same thing because I would rather watch women's tennis than football. My current response: "Let me get this right... I like watching hot women in short skirts running around a tennis court and you like watching brawny guys slap each other's ass... who's the gay one?" Fuckwits...