Thursday, March 17, 2005

Runaway Brain

Today is an unusually quiet day in the office. Eerily so. I’ve been passing the time having death fantasies about minor celebrities. But there’s only so much mileage you can get out of imagining the sound Paris Hilton’s head would make as you backed a car over it (a satisfying gravely crunch, or a loud pop?), or the amount of gore involved in eviscerating Vernon Kay and then garrotting him with his own intestines.

I can actually feel I.Q. points slipping from my ear holes and splattering against the desk, flapping around like beached fishes. If my brain is like a muscle, my grey matter is slack and flabby and hanging over my intellectual waistline in a mess of misused and abused neurons.

I may have to start walking up to my colleagues and stabbing at them repeatedly with sharpened pencils.

Just a thought.

Now, I wonder how many elephants would need to sit on Sarah Jessica Parker before something ruptures?

4 comments:

Bonnie_Blue said...

Have you read my post about Michelle? I think I suffer more greatly than you. Oh yes.

AKA said...

Yes, I have. I even saw the pictures...(they made me feel dirty)

b ascinating said...

There's a very stupid but funny joke in here somewhere about the sound of Paris Hilton's head being available on the internet, but I can't be bothered to think it through.

But DID YOU KNOW...

Being made mostly of bone, SJP would have a surprisingly high tolerance to being sat on by elephants. I'm guessing she could withstand 17 s/sE (seconds per seated Elephant) before turning into mechanically reclaimed chicken.

If hit over the back of the head with a length of lead pipe, Vernon Kaye could drown in a child's standard sized paddling pool of curdling blood only 2.5" deep.

June Sarpong, on the other hand, needs to be hit over the head with the same piece of lead pipe at least fifty-seven times. (This doesn't have anything at all to do with the aforementioned paddling pool; I just think it's a good idea.)

aka_Meritt said...

"But there’s only so much mileage you can get out of imagining the sound Paris Hilton’s head would make as you backed a car over it (a satisfying gravely crunch, or a loud pop?)...."


Actually my vote is that it might be similar to the sound of the over-cooked holiday turkey in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation movie, when they want to slice it but it's completely empty inside.... remember that part?