Tuesday, July 13, 2004

When Martin sings

I like my ears. Not in a superficial “My, what lovely ears I have! Look at how that cartilage has been moulded by my superlative genetic makeup!” way. I like them solely for their utilitarian attributes. I like the way they allow me to hear all manner of exciting, stimulating, life-enhancing sounds. The laughter of friends, the wisdom of strangers, the reassuring rise and fall of Mrs. AKA’s breath as she sleeps by my side, and, of course, decades of the finest sounds and melodies crafted by generations of earthbound songsmiths and intergalactic funkateers.

Sadly, when I’m not being subjected to the inane prattlings of the wage slaves in my immediate orbit, I am forced to suffer through the creatively bankrupt, musically-challenged record collections being piped through their tinny desktop speakers. I don’t foist my music on them, and I’d appreciate it if they returned the favour. Selfish jizzstains.

Now, I know that accepted wisdom seems to regard the vanilla sounds of Beyoncé Knowles as some new saviour of pop music, but you’ll all be glad to know that I’m here to tell you that is patent bullshit. It’s mediocre toe-tapping pap at best, a soulless and cynical bastardisation of the great Motown and Stax-era vocalists at worst. There’s no soul here, consumers. She sells Pepsi to the obese and tooth-rotted spawn of America, fercryinoutloud!

So, that’s what I’ve been suffering through for the last half hour. Praise de lawd for earphones. Luckily for me, I’ve started to revisit my own record collection, digging through the shelves for neglected gems. Today, I’m getting off on ABC’s Alphabet City, their fourth album from 1987 and, in my opinion, far superior to their breakthrough set Lexicon of Love. Lush, over-produced, slick 80’s white-boy soul. More importantly, it has balls and it has heart and, yes, it has SOUL. Now THIS is how you pay tribute to your musical past and worship at the shrine of Motor City. Will you be listening to that Naughty Girl shit in seventeen years? Or will Destiny take care of her capricious child? Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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