Monday, May 17, 2004

Trivial pursuits

I am the only person sitting in my part of the office, and I absolutely refuse to do any work whatsoever. Oh, I have work that I should be doing. But I figure, since I’ve run out of money this month, they don’t get any more work out of me. You don’t pay, you don’t get.

Perversely, my part of the office is ridiculously cold. The sun is blazing outside, and I can’t feel my fingers. When it’s snowing outside, the office is like a fucking sauna. The Managing Asswipe needs to figure out how the thermostat works.

I spent the morning purposefully surfing the Internet for things of interest. Now I’ve had my lunch, I’m spending the afternoon surfing aimlessly for things of absolutely no consequence whatsoever. Which has led me to messageboards. And the overwhelming need for complete strangers to share every shred of trivial personal minutiae with other complete strangers, as if these new web correspondents were actual, real-world “friends”. So, what the fuck? Here goes….

What time is it? 3.35pm
Name as it appears on birth certificate? AKA
Nicknames: My wallet is the one that says bad motherfucker
Parents name: Look, you shower of grammatically challenged tards, it should be Parents names. Plural. And there's a missing apostrophe, too.
Number of candles on last birthday cake: I don’t do birthday cakes
Date that you regularly blow them out: Well, it would be my birthday, wouldn’t it?
Pets: None
Height: 6 foot 3 inches
Eye: Eye what? Eye colour?? Well, be more specific! Let’s say somewhere between dark brown and pitch black
Haircolor: Leaving aside the Americanism here, Hair Colour is two separate words! It’s jet black, with a bit of silver at the temples. Like Nick Fury.
Piercings: None
Tattoos: None
How much do you love your job: I’m thinking of fire-bombing the building when I leave this evening
Birthplace: London
Hometown: London
Current resident: Yes, I am, thanks.
Had the drink Calypso Breeze? No! What the hell kind of question is that anyway?
Been in love before? Yes.
Been to Africa? What?? No!
Been toilet papering? Is this wallpapering with toilet paper? Of course I haven’t. Who the fuck does that?
Been drunk? Yes, of course I have.
Been toilet papered? No, of course I haven’t
Been in a car crash? No
Croutons or bacon bits? There’s an assumption here that I would have either. And I wouldn’t.
2 doors or 4 doors on your car? No doors. I don't drive.
Sprite or 7-up? Neither
Coffee or coffee ice cream? Coffee.
Blanket or stuffed animal: What am I, five-years old? Neither.
Dumper or dumpee??? Not my triple-question marks, by the way, so even the original question asker realises how stupid this question is. Bearing that in mind, this question doesn’t deserve an answer
Salad dressing? Definitely not. Unless the purpose of the salad dressing can be negotiated. What if I pour it all over the floor, you slide in it and smash your face up on the nearest wall?
Colour of socks? Black
Toilet paper on the roll-over or under? Whatever. As long as I can get it off the roll and wipe my ass, who cares?
Why? So I don’t get shit all over myself.
Place to be kissed? Anywhere. Everywhere. You offering?
Movie: Movie what? Favourite movie? Last movie I saw? I rented Dreamcatcher last night. And it sucked really, really hard. To quote the film itself: “I'm filing that in the "Who Gives A Shit" section of my Memory Warehouse.”
Quotes from a movie: Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel?
Favourite holiday: If I’m not working, then I’m having my favourite holiday. Or filling out stupid online questionnaires by messgeboard dweebs
Favourite foods: Thai or Indian
Favourite day of the week? Ah, the reintroduction of the question mark at the end of a (fragment of a) question. How refreshing. Saturday, I suppose.
Favourite song at the moment: “Gangsters of the Groove” by Heatwave. Keyboards, wacka-wacka guitars, chunky basslines, screeching falsettos and excruciating lyrics. Kismet
Favourite TV Show?: Of all time? At the moment? Be more specific! I can’t thing of an answer for this off the top of my head. (Sweet Fancy Moses, I’m struggling with simple-minded questionnaires now.)
Favourite word or phrase: Teabag. Or blumpkin.
Word or phrase that you most despise: I’m really starting to loath the word “favourite”
Toothpaste: That’s not even a question!
Flower: Is this like a word association game now? OK, I’ll play along.
Restaurant? Shoe
Least favourite subject: Toothpaste, flowers and restaurants. And online questionnaires.
Favourite subject: Bukkake
Alcoholic drink: Jack Daniels.
Sport to watch: I don’t do sports.
Type of ice cream: Bukkake
Zoo exhibit: This is really starting to melt my brain now.
Muppet show character: Zoot
Disney/Warner bro: I’m all about the Pixar
Fast food restaurant: Whatever
When was your last hospital visit?: You sick freak! Do you take some weird vicarious pleasure in someone else’s misfortunes? Hmmm? That’s the first endearing quality you’ve exhibited in over 50 questions…
Favourite drink: Didn’t we already do this one?
Colour of carpet in your bedroom?: Cream. Hides stains better
What was the name of your childhood blanket?: Piss off
How many times did you fail your Drivers License test?: Once. So far.
What do you think of Ouija boards?: What do Ouija boards think of me? That’s what I want to know.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?: Somewhere else.
Who is the last person you got email from before this? I haven’t had the chance to check my email. Too busy with this.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime?: Not yet
Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card?: I’ve got enough money problems without going down that road
What do you do most often when you are bored?: Almost 70 questions in, the answer to that question must be abundantly clear by now
What words or phrases do you over use?: Haven’t we already had THIS question as well?
Most annoying thing?: About me? About you? About this questionnaire? I’m not going to answer any more ambiguous questions.
Best thing?: I don’t even know what this means.
Bed time? Whenever I fall asleep.
Who will respond to this the fastest? Absolutely no-one.
Who is the least likely to respond to this? Absolutely everyone
What time is it now? 4.41pm. I just lost an hour of my life that I can never, ever get back.

And if you’ve read this far, you are now as sorry as I am.

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